first dasy of school. a sophomore now. tired of the tired, but im doing ok. just really really fatigued. hvntreally eaten all day, feel myself getting weaker, need to wait until the winter to relapse, all of this, all of it . i hope tomorrow is better
14 I HAD A PROBLEM BUT IM OVER IT NOW
watching the stars slide down too reach the end cause sleep is not my friend . ive been lying on my floor all summer. i want this to be over and i want this hunger to stop. you have no idea what i would've done for you. is it ok that i still reread our texts? that i overwater all my plants? ill squish this fruit with my bare hands and feel relief of the scolding sun when the cold juice saves the blisters from forming on my palms. i don't need any more burns. you knew i didn't need any more burns
13 HEAVEN
i dont know i cant do anything i just am so scared of people finding me and. id obn g know . pretend im not scared pretend that im somewhere else . pretend that everyone doesnt feel as lost as me . i know its all somewhere else reflected in my eyes i just feel like shit i feel like shti i feel liek shit i need to be put down i need to go to sleep i need to stop existing for a little while, and then come back where noone is worried and everything was fine . i dont know i cant doanything i cant pretend i do! mauyebe everyone isright for leaving me and hating me and wishing i was dead i just want everyone to like me i wish i was loved i wish it was better im just sosad. im so tired. i just want to be loved i just want people to care i just want people to love me i want someone to love me. i want to be held and i want to cry without being judged and glared at like im crazy. i want to be held and told its ok. i want to be understood and cared for and not be hurt in the end. i dont want people to feel forced to care about me. i dont want it to come from a place of pity. i want it to be from love. i want it to be from genuine love. i want it to be from caring about me. im so tired of being brave and strong im so weak and im so tired of pretending im not
12 UNTITLED
i just want to be stabbedlik,e i just want all of this to be over. i cut myself over and over and never learn even after i almost die or faint while cutting or being caught even after the 9th fucking time, i cant tell if i like it or if its just a familiar sensation and the only normal ything i have left. my family considers it a lost cause to even try to get me to stop at this point and dont bat an eye whenever i show up with new scars . i feel uneligible for love because noone would ever willingly take on the burden of my emotions or past or anything, no matter how pretty or charismatic i try to be. i fantasize of being killed in violent ways as some kind of escape, but the thoughts and urges always get worse the longer i've been without cutting myself. i'm almost 2 months clean and im scared that when i Do relapse, it'll be so bad it might kill me. i justwant a blade slashing through my throat. gurgled groans and sputtered gasps with the tear of my esophagus.blehp. im ok with being used, im ok with being treated like dirt, comfortable with it even. i dont know anything else. im not sure i could handle anything else
11 TRANSYLVANIAN
i wish that my prime teen years werent being stolen by my depression. i wish i had a normal life and it didnt feel like there was a 20 ton anvil on both my back and neck at every twist and turn, threatening to press down just enough to shatter it all at any second. i wish i wasnt depressed. i wish i was dead. i feel so bitter lately, the hyper-irritable part of me sends stars in my face and i feel like i have seen everything. ive done all of this before, just doing it again. what the fuck am i even waiting around for? i constantly have nightmares now, tonight i had probably the worst of my whole life. usually, i always longed for it to be time to sleep again so i could avoid the weight of reality and being a person, but now i have no peace even in that. my mind took it away from me. the only part of life i could rely on. being awake always has been a nightmare, and now sleep is full of nightmares too. i keep waking up to vomit in the middle of the night from things i cant remember, i just remember how it made me feel.
10 GHOSTING
i died a long time ago and im so sick of people looking at me like that, because they know im not supposed to be here. i feel like a sign of life, rarely seen or heard from, and i don't really mind it that much but that's just it?? like, i don't know what im missing out on !! whatever i have nothing to say honestyl I LOVE BLAIR I LVOE BLAIR I LOVE BLAIR Whartevr
9 INBETWEEN
this is kind of stupid but i always get kind of mad at myself for not being able to like anything normal.......like the content or the subject matter has to always be fucked up or really gross in some way and i always end up weirding out other people, it isnt a good feeling. esp with stella acting all disgusted with me, shes been doing that for years about tf2 and everything else i ever liked. i guess this time its kind of understandable but it still makes me feel??>??upset??? like im judged about alot of things all the time and.....i just feel like that shouldnt happen with my friends. maybe im taking it personally but idk. im grateful for blair bc they dont judge me for stuff like that or literally anything honestly and when they Do its all in good fun. but it does make me kind of upset that i feel like i cant talk to her or anyone else about stuff i like without fearing getting A Look or being made fun of IDK IDK mauybe im just sensitive about stuff like that but. doesnt feel good alot of the time
8 STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
went to aquarium with oomf had an amazing amount of fun... .. .she even bought me a hammerhead plushie i named it fries....she bought a stingray and named it macademia... it was so so so hot outside, but i did enjoy myself!!! i talked alot about jellyfish to her and she seemed ecstatic, she said she's missed me alot..!>! it was really fun :-)). ended up cancelling friends with someone on the weekend but im just so burnt out, i dont wanna do anything this weekend at all.... blehhh... but this week was AMAZING I GUESS!!!!! shark shark sharkblah blah. the moon jellies didnt show up really on my phone but i did get ONE really good photo of them
7 PINEAPPLES AND SUGAR
saw crush today!!!! had a good day so far, about to draw with simon, life good i think. aquarium ttomorrow which i am ecstatic about :3. therapy was okay, therapist considers my intense dysphoria a 'liability' which makes me feel a little ???????? but whatever i guess. i had a great time at the mall with him and i rambled a lot but i dont think he minded teehee. he painted his nails just for me. i wish i saw him more often, he wants to take me to his place to meet his cats........maybe next week.
6 (NO)RMAL
my week of SOCIAL INTERACTION starts TODAY! (or i guess officially yesterday but oh well). had a spontaneous sleepover with my friend, seeing another tomorrow after therapy, and another after that, and one on sunday too. blehhhhhhg.......................... ive been getting so nauseous lately for no real reason, just sick alot of the time lol. other than that ive been having a good time with life or whatever idk i saw barbie movie it was good. need to resin this intact (dead) beetle i found, and then... idk!
5 LIVE FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DEEPEST HOLE IN THE WORLD
nephalem in disguise; physical form is an illusion. i try not to think about it too much, but i get nauseated whenever im faced with the flesh. my life feels empty and unreal, i want to kiss him deeply but its hard to give kisses when your mouth is sewn shut. i really need to distract myself but I have no idea how because everything makes me feel guilty and awful. i stay awake at night thinking of how tired i am of hurting myself, i'd rather have someone do it for me. but saying that makes me want to throw up. if anyone has ever loved me, it's been in a way i don't understand. about a month(ish) clean now, and im already planning methods of relapse when school starts. i don't feel much better. im a ruined thing, and i never stop burning
4 CONFINEMENT
--its a part of me and i dont know why. a lot of things are part of me and i dont know why. ive written these things down before, like; "i feel unfixable in a loop of aural gloom. in my dreams its safe, it's safer there" & "i don't belong in my own skin at all, i think i cut it open to try and pull my real self out". excerpts like this from numerous journals and files make me feel like a bit of a maniac but i don't know what else to do. it's not like i could even tell my therapist these things, so? im tired im tired im tired and i just want to be alone, completerly alone, just alone alone alone alone alone aloen alone. i dont want to see anyone, i dont need anyone, it makess me feel judged and mebarrassed and weirded out and.ugh
3 STATE OF FLOW
had a nightmare that wasn't traumatic, but it was weirdly tense. i was walking down the street and it was all foggy, and i remember people not too far from me trying to call out to me. i felt like i belonged somewhere else, somewhere near, somewhere they were trying to get me out of. its the same feeling i get when i think of silent hill as a concept, i feel like i belong there. a place of my mind that is made for me, from me. i don't know why i connect so much to it, it brings a sense of comfort not much else can give me these past few years. it's tranquil and almost peaceful to me. nobody would bother to come looking for me if i went there, and noone would know where to go even if they tried. a place masked by humanity and direction, a place for solace of the soul. wallowing in yourself like a womb. i woke up sweating but not much else
2 MORPHINE ADDICTED
i wonder if my body somehow remembers things my mind doesnt. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but i try not to think about it. i remember everything and yet so little at the same time. but i can't describe the feeling of tranquil hollowness that fills me when i crumble apart for the day. when i don't need to hold my breath everytime someone enters my pirepherals, when i don't need to constantly relay how social situations will go in my head. i try to write but nothing comes to me when i open the fucking pages. i smear my shitty art with my own spit to defile it because my hands won't let me anymore. i feel utterly isolated, kept from the world like a shitty secret god forgot to hide. i can't believe this is my life now. was surviving worth the nightmares? the flashbacks? the tricks your brain puts on you?? so much so you can't even trust your own eyes? i think back and remember the times i was struggling to hold my grip on reality while everything and everyone in my pirepheral vision melted, like smudged with lead and charcoal, faces twisted like a liquify tool on fucking photoshop. and i just had to keep being in math like nothing was wrong. my classmate saw me scratching my wrist and asked if i was ok and asked a few more times after that. i can't remember if things got better later in the day, or what
1 flower(s) of evil
new chapters of chi no wadachi have crushed me. like i know i do it to myself but yet i never ...Not read it. i guess i can't complain but. god i hate how having a trauma disorder kind of Stps me from enjoying shit lol. today was good, but i keep tricking myself into thinking things, soon, will just absolutely shatter. i feel like bursting into tears at every minor roadblock, and i can feel myself crumbling at my own feet. i don't know why, i haven't had as many nightmares at all lately and im even going to spend tme with people soon. but maybe that's just it. the stress from all this shit im supposed to be doingm, i dont know. i often feel like i can't talk 5to anyone i know without being called crazy, even though noone im friends with has actually said that. i worry that one day all my friends will witness an irreversible breakdown from me, and that'll change their perception of me forever. sometimes, even forcing myself to disconnect and not msg people doesn't work. i don't want them to ever see something like that, or talk to me when im like that
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